Thursday, May 22, 2008

eBay Find Of The Gods -- No, I Mean Literallly

OK, check it out, some Freakasaurus Rex is actually rolling the Apples of Chaos into the fast lane of the Information Superhighway. A seller who prefers to be known as ex_tellure_vita is opening the bid at $0.99!
The precious item's descriptive text is thus:

Zeus held a banquet in celebration of the marriage of Peleus and Thetis. Left off the guest list was Eris (goddess of discord), and upon turning up uninvited she threw or rolled a golden apple into the ceremony, with the inscription which said: καλλίστῃ or, "for the fairest one". Three goddesses claimed the apple: Hera, Athena and Aphrodite. Zeus decided that Paris of Troy would judge their cases. Each of the goddesses offered Paris a gift. Hera would give him power, Athena would make him wise, and Aphrodite offered him the love of the world's most beautiful woman, Helen. Paris chose Aphrodite, and Helen's leaving of her previous husband precipitated the Trojan War.

Handcarved golden apple, ~3".
OK, this is accurate as far as it goes, but where exactly does the gift of immortality come in? That's not exactly Discordia's stock in trade. Maybe she -- or the seller (and what's her real name?) -- is throwing it in for free, like a first-class shipping upgrade.
But think about it. If you really wanted to sow the seeds of Chaos, make someone immortal. Just one person would probably be enough. Imagine what you could accomplish if you literally had all the time in the world. You could get yourself fixed up as dictator for life of the Eastern Hemisphere, say, or just make your first trillion without wasting energy on the stupid stuff that we mortals have to worry about, like health insurance or a new car that you'll outlive by a factor of one hundred. There will be a period of utter madness and despair as everyone you ever loved, everything you new and understood, is stripped away from you by Discordia's good buddy, the Grim Reaper. But hey, you'll get over it.
At that point you could REALLY start to have some fun, setting all the world's top research scientists to work on terraforming Mars or making Jurassic Park come true. Or both! Strand all the people you like on Mars and let them fight it out while unleashing peevish, bank-building-sized carnivores on the wretched masses here on Earth. Or come up with your own ideas; don't be restricted to my (admittedly satisfying) B-movie fantasies.
Or you could get really goofy and make 3 people immortal. Any three. You pick.


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