"RIDING THE NIGHTMARE"

Click here to get the merest taste of G.K. Chesterton's "Riding the Nightmare," the perfect pre-Halloween story. The full story is collected in one of his anthologies, I forget which; will look for it tonight in the archives.

Eris Ephemeris

The link above makes it easy for you to know exactly what this LITTLE BALL OF CHAOS was doing just about every day since 1/1/1900.

I got this big packet of proxy voting information from Exxon Mobil. They wanted me to vote against ALL the resolutions they have on the ballot this year.

They want me to vote against requiring lower greenhouse-gas emissions for all their products.

They want me to vote against research into renewable energy resources.

They even want me to vote against a resolution banning discrimination against gays and lesbians working for the company. They used that key phrase that should tell all right-thinking Americans that something is wrong with this picture: "WE ARE A MERITOCRACY," they said.

I threw out the rest of the packet, after voting for all the resolutions, but I might fish it out and keep it to look back on later. I fully recognize that while part of me voted the way I did because that is my position on these matters, part of me enjoyed telling Exxon Mobil to get real.

One rather wonders how many of the stockholders just followed the recommendations of the company, and voted the way they were told to vote.

This entertaining moment in my Saturday just goes to show what I'm always on about: people who oppose the goals of a powerful conglomerate think the best thing to do is boycott, and sell their stock in the company to show them what's what. I say that robs you of all your power as a shareholder to tell them where to get off.

Apples! Eeeeeeeeeek!

I found this slice of a movie review on another site, posted by someone I know only as The Mud Puppy. I have his or her permission to post it here. Here's my review of this unseen film: When you start from the Discordian perspective of seeing apples as a symbol of change and Chaos, and you bear in mind that Chaos is many people's worst fear, this story actually could be scary to someone, somewhere. Maybe it scared the pants off its intended Hindi audience. It just goes to show you that my worst fear -- not apples -- is quite likely to be a minor giggle to you.



I rented this [Darna Mana Hai] from Netflix expecting it to essentially be a Bollywood horror/slasher film. I was mistaken. It was a Hindi slasher/horror film, true, but I would not call it a Bollywood film as there was not a single musical number. Oh, and it was also dreadful.



[Cliffie's note: right here I trimmed out the other horror vignettes reviewed in the complete post. They have nothing to do with THE HORROR OF APPLES.]



Story 4. This is the dumbest of the lot, and the fact that I actually predicted exactly where it was going made me cackle with disbelieving glee. A housewife buys apples from a creepy street vendor who sells them at an unbelievably cheap price. For some reason she gets creeped out later and throws the apples away, but then *gasp* the apples reappear in her fridge! EEEK! APPLES! Then her husband eats one of the apples! EEK! The next morning she discovers that her husband has turned into an APPLE! EEK! And then she sees everyone on the street eating one! And then, the entire street is nothing but APPLES! APPLES! EEK! And then the street vendor appears, to offer her the last apple, free of charge. EEK!



I should note that at no point was there any indication that this story wasn't intended to be completely serious.


CLICK HERE to see the apple segment of this film in all its unparalleled horror.

Where There Is A Pentagon, Lurks An Apple...

"There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless."

February 2nd Is Also The Feast Day Of St. Sid!

Yessirree, this is the day Sid Vicious took matters into his own hands and finally got back together with Nancy. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S BEEN GONE FOR 30 YEARS!

You have to wonder whether Sid is, you know, really fulfilled as a Discordian Saint. Let's analyze this for a minute. He spent his brutally short musical career performing "Anarchy In The U.K." onstage, which has to count for SOMETHING. But he also put 99% of his energy into drinking the nothingness that comes with heroin addiction, and of course that was what he used to ice himself in order to get back together with Nancy. Stripped of its romantic elements, it looks like the typical rock-cliche death.

But consider this:

Item: Sid was a drooling, staggering god to thousands and thousands of kids who, in reaction against the hippy-dippy Love Generation, were completely straightedge. In effect, he rebelled against his own rebellion in an amazingly self-destructive doublecross that only proved the point of being straightedge. We still loved and mourned him when he died of heroin. WE WERE MORE STRAIGHTEDGE THAN EVER BECAUSE OF HIM.

Item: Nobody has ever cleared up the confusion surrounding Nancy's death. Was she murdered? Did they make a death pact that night, as Sid suspected? WDid Sid kill her? Was it one of their innumerable unsavory guests at the Chelsea Hotel? Did she do it to herself? Was it an accident? SID HIMSELF COULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU IF YOU PAID HIM A HUNDRED BUCKS.

Item: There's more than a little confusion around Sid's death, too. One theory goes that he died by accident. The first 2 weeks out of jail are always the most dangerous time for heroin addicts; they fail to realize that their opiate tolerance is gone, they take as much as they used to take when they did have a high tolerance, and they die of it. Another theory goes that he didn't realize that the heroin he took that night was 99% pure, when he was used to 5% pure. This is what killed Janis Joplin, as I recall. But Janis didn't leave a note saying "we had a death pact, I have to keep my half of the bargain."

Item: Sid is supposed to have stolen the heroin he took to kill himself from his mother. She was supposed to be keeping an eye on him to keep him from using, but she had her own heroin in her back pocket. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?

Yeah, I think Sid is the real thing. He throws off hardcore confusion the way used core-rods throw off radiation.

I was a weepy mess all day at work, until I found Sid's "My Way" video on YouTube. After I saw it a couple of times, I was good to go again. Thanks, Sid. We all still love you.

Punxsutawney Phil: International Symbol Of Hope

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN. Today Phil put his head out of his burrow, saw his shadow, and called it: another six weeks of winter. NO SURPRISE. This winter has been INCREDIBLY BRUTAL and clearly has NO INTENTION OF LETTING US GO JUST YET.

What DOES surprise me is Phil's INTERNATIONAL MEDIA STARDOM. I mean, this is a large, flabby rodent with BRANCH OFFICES. Probably every state in the nation has its own meterological Woodchuck scenting the air in Montana -- Alaska -- New Mexico -- maybe even Old Mexico! -- and reporting back to the head office where Phil holds court. Probably they even pay taxes to Phil. AT LEAST THAT'S MY THEORY.

And in other countries farther away -- the arid steppe of Mongolia, the mountain fastness of Bavaria -- THEY ARE EAGERLY TUNED IN TO HEAR PHIL'S PRONOUNCEMENT. That is no theory, people; THAT IS A COLD, HARD FACT.

BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE! Phil even has cachet as a Discordian Saint, based on this version of the PHIL LEGEND related by an elementary-school student, no doubt channelled directly from the Elder Gods themselves:

Q: What is Groundhog Day?

A: On the third day Jesus rose from the dead, and when they rolled away the stone from his tomb, he came out, saw his shadow, and they all knew there would be SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER.

That never fails to bring a tear to my eye.

Project: Paint It Gold

See the wall clock in the illustration above? Now, wouldn't that look MUCH NICER in a cheery shade of gold? YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, is to take something like this OFF THE WALL (a Discordian specialty) and change it to a color that changes the apples from a common symbol of grade-school teachers or healthy living into a sure sign of Pure Chaos.

Sneak it back to its original position on the wall, mantel, etc., and SEE IF ANYONE NOTICES. Don't hold your breath waiting for someone to heap praise on your head. You've planted a seed, and it may take some time to sprout. At the worst, YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU TRIED.

Discordia Does James Bond

I heard this on NPR this week, driving home from work. It was an ancedote about the attempts by Russian spies to ice the leader of Afghanistan. OK, the guy's chef was a Russian spy, right, so they directed him to poison a glass of Coke and serve it to him. Turns out something in Coca-cola totally neutralizes the poison they were using, so he didn't even belch.

OK, then they had him lace some of his food with poison. Guy got sick as a dog. But because nobody at the Russian embassy was filled in on the assassination plot, they heard the Afghan leader was dying and rushed over some top-flight Russian doctors who saved the suffering man's life -- it must have been a close thing because the speaker telling the story used the word "revive" to describe how they saved him.

By this time, I picture the Central Committee in the Kremlin getting madder than wet cats. They finally just invaded the country, and shot the guy. If you want something done right, use a gun.

WHO DO YOU THINK STAGE-MANAGED ALL THAT CHOREOGRAPHY -- THE EASTER BUNNY?