Saturday, January 03, 2015

...But I Hate Being Wrong As Much As I Hate Being Right

I had this friend once I lost touch with years ago.  I've really, really, really missed him.  I always wondered how he was and what he was up to.  It was impossible to think he was not out there living some kind of great life. Everyone told me what a genius he was.  I really couldn't comment on this because he was majoring in something I'd never studied; he could have been a genius or a moron.  I just knew I loved him with all my heart.  Have you ever loved someone so much that just seeing him cross the sidewalk in front of you, half a mile away, and it made you happy for two days?  I saw him!!!  Have you ever loved someone so much that you could be walking around with your usual glazed expression, focused on your own problems, and something would make you snap out of it, turn around backwards and look -- and there he'd be, 200 yards away, talking to someone?   He had THAT effect on me.  Many people loved him, but only I had specific radar that could pick him up that way.  That's the real thing, baby. 

So true that I love him still.

He went somewhere else for grad school and we lost touch.  But I knew he was succeeding like mad somewhere, the cynosure of all eyes, straight A's in school, incredible career afterwards, loved by one and all.  There's no way out of it for a guy like that. 

Well, I couldn't find him for the longest time after I started looking.  None of our mutual friends knew where he was and nobody knew who to ask.  He's a big computer type, with a secretive quality for all his popularity, and I always pictured him working quietly in a basement office somewhere, setting up some gigantic database or other new system (or maybe hacking into one).  Making things happen.  Big things.  Maybe raising kids with someone he finally really loved, not those shaky specimens he was always dating when I knew him.

Well, I finally found an article about him online. 

It said he killed himself. 

"His friends declined to share details," the article said. 

I know just enough about his inner deepest whatever to make an educated guess at why he would pull a stunt like this.  But it's still just a guess.

I love you still, and I hope I see you again.  Soon.


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