Monday, February 02, 2009

February 2nd Is Also The Feast Day Of St. Sid!

Yessirree, this is the day Sid Vicious took matters into his own hands and finally got back together with Nancy. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S BEEN GONE FOR 30 YEARS!
You have to wonder whether Sid is, you know, really fulfilled as a Discordian Saint. Let's analyze this for a minute. He spent his brutally short musical career performing "Anarchy In The U.K." onstage, which has to count for SOMETHING. But he also put 99% of his energy into drinking the nothingness that comes with heroin addiction, and of course that was what he used to ice himself in order to get back together with Nancy. Stripped of its romantic elements, it looks like the typical rock-cliche death.
But consider this:
Item: Sid was a drooling, staggering god to thousands and thousands of kids who, in reaction against the hippy-dippy Love Generation, were completely straightedge. In effect, he rebelled against his own rebellion in an amazingly self-destructive doublecross that only proved the point of being straightedge. We still loved and mourned him when he died of heroin. WE WERE MORE STRAIGHTEDGE THAN EVER BECAUSE OF HIM.
Item: Nobody has ever cleared up the confusion surrounding Nancy's death. Was she murdered? Did they make a death pact that night, as Sid suspected? WDid Sid kill her? Was it one of their innumerable unsavory guests at the Chelsea Hotel? Did she do it to herself? Was it an accident? SID HIMSELF COULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU IF YOU PAID HIM A HUNDRED BUCKS.
Item: There's more than a little confusion around Sid's death, too. One theory goes that he died by accident. The first 2 weeks out of jail are always the most dangerous time for heroin addicts; they fail to realize that their opiate tolerance is gone, they take as much as they used to take when they did have a high tolerance, and they die of it. Another theory goes that he didn't realize that the heroin he took that night was 99% pure, when he was used to 5% pure. This is what killed Janis Joplin, as I recall. But Janis didn't leave a note saying "we had a death pact, I have to keep my half of the bargain."
Item: Sid is supposed to have stolen the heroin he took to kill himself from his mother. She was supposed to be keeping an eye on him to keep him from using, but she had her own heroin in her back pocket. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?
Yeah, I think Sid is the real thing. He throws off hardcore confusion the way used core-rods throw off radiation.
I was a weepy mess all day at work, until I found Sid's "My Way" video on YouTube. After I saw it a couple of times, I was good to go again. Thanks, Sid. We all still love you.

Punxsutawney Phil: International Symbol Of Hope

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN. Today Phil put his head out of his burrow, saw his shadow, and called it: another six weeks of winter. NO SURPRISE. This winter has been INCREDIBLY BRUTAL and clearly has NO INTENTION OF LETTING US GO JUST YET.
What DOES surprise me is Phil's INTERNATIONAL MEDIA STARDOM. I mean, this is a large, flabby rodent with BRANCH OFFICES. Probably every state in the nation has its own meterological Woodchuck scenting the air in Montana -- Alaska -- New Mexico -- maybe even Old Mexico! -- and reporting back to the head office where Phil holds court. Probably they even pay taxes to Phil. AT LEAST THAT'S MY THEORY.
And in other countries farther away -- the arid steppe of Mongolia, the mountain fastness of Bavaria -- THEY ARE EAGERLY TUNED IN TO HEAR PHIL'S PRONOUNCEMENT. That is no theory, people; THAT IS A COLD, HARD FACT.
BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE! Phil even has cachet as a Discordian Saint, based on this version of the PHIL LEGEND related by an elementary-school student, no doubt channelled directly from the Elder Gods themselves:
Q: What is Groundhog Day?
A: On the third day Jesus rose from the dead, and when they rolled away the stone from his tomb, he came out, saw his shadow, and they all knew there would be SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER.
That never fails to bring a tear to my eye.

Project: Paint It Gold

See the wall clock in the illustration above? Now, wouldn't that look MUCH NICER in a cheery shade of gold? YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, is to take something like this OFF THE WALL (a Discordian specialty) and change it to a color that changes the apples from a common symbol of grade-school teachers or healthy living into a sure sign of Pure Chaos.
Sneak it back to its original position on the wall, mantel, etc., and SEE IF ANYONE NOTICES. Don't hold your breath waiting for someone to heap praise on your head. You've planted a seed, and it may take some time to sprout. At the worst, YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU TRIED.