Apple Roller Of the Year for 2018!

Out of a field of VERY stiff competitors, the one who rose head and shoulders above them all was:

Paul Manafort! 

>>  Described on the Net (accurately) as a lobbyist, political consultant, attorney, and convicted felon.

>> He's a lobbyist, all right, but not just for American political figures and American political causes.  He has also lobbied for Mobutu Sese Seko, a dictator; Viktor Yanukovych, former leader of Ukraine, currently hiding in Russia because he is wanted back home for treason; and Ferdinand Marcos, a much-better-known dictator than Mobutu.  Manafort appears to see NO CONTRADICTION between lobbying for guys like Ronald Reagan and also for guys who oppose EVERYTHING a half-decent American president stands for.

>> He's the guy who did Donald Trump's dirty work for YEARS.

>> He's the guy who then SQUEALED on Trump.  (To be fair, he was one of a number of squealers.)

>> And he's the guy who then APOLOGIZED for his role in the dirty work.

>> He's the guy who then turned around AGAIN and asked Trump to pardon him.  (We breathlessly await 45's answer.)  

And in this, my loyal readers, he has rolled the biggest, shiniest golden apple of them all right into the middle of the Bob Mueller investigation.  Why?  Because if Trump pardons Manafort, it almost guarantees that Trump will be IMPEACHED as a result.

What an incredible guy.  The nerve!

He was even born on April Fool's Day, for crying out loud.  Which means YOU ALL SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS GUY COMING.

Revelations Of What The Rich Do To Maintain Order In their Lives

THE RICH HAVE ALWAYS BEEN WITH US.  

YES, EVEN BEFORE THE INVENTION OF MONEY.

One of the problems with being rich is that it changes your EXPECTATIONS of what your life OUGHT TO BE LIKE.  

Above all, this sort of person expects SECURITY.  They tend to equate LOSS OF SECURITY with DISORDER in their lives...Which may be a correct way of seeing it.  Any loss of security would force them to CHANGE and ADAPT, maybe even START OVER FROM SCRATCH.  And it would indeed feel like CHAOS for a while.

The other thing the rich come to expect -- AND THIS IS JUST CRAZY --  is that because their lives and incomes have moved in a generally UPWARD direction, that anyone they care about needs to experience the same thing.  Their CHILDREN, say.  An oil tycoon would be HUMILIATED if his oldest son turned out to be a FRY COOK or BUS DRIVER.  Egad, that would be CHAOS!  A violation of the NATURAL ORDER!  No, they need to start out rich and move up even from there!  You know, like Donald Trump, the real-estate broker who started out humbly, as a multi-millionaire, and worked his way up into the billions with ONLY a one-million-dollar startup loan from his old man that he had to PAY BACK.  What an achievement!  Way to underline your old man's sense of the Order of Things, Donny!

And no matter how much LIP SERVICE the rich pay to the idea of helping the less fortunate -- no matter how much spare change they donate to Save The Whales or the End Homelessness Initiative -- they will put much, much more cash on the nail to keep their kids on that upward path.  You really think it was his flawless grades and cheerleading talents that got a guy like George W. Bush into Yale, and then the Harvard School of Business?

Nope, I'm guessing it was a big-ass donation from his old man to the colleges in question.  Probably a series of them.

The thing that astounds me about this is that this kind of manipulative shit is still TOTALLY LEGAL.  See, it's human nature to think that if you're rich or famous, you just DESERVE MORE.  And your kids must also DESERVE MORE.  Because they're your kids, and your whole family just DESERVES MORE.

And sprouting from this same diseased root is the SCANDAL OF THE WEEK, wherein a whole bunch of wealthy parents got busted for paying money so their kids could get into competitive schools like the University of Southern California.  Not the legal way, by making hefty donations, but ILLEGALLY, by falsifying SAT scores and having phony photos made up so the kids appear to be members of champion sports teams.  As a rule these are sports their kids have never even tried out for.  

Why would they even consider this?  Because...gosh..because ORDER HAS TO BE MAINTAINED.  My kids have to achieve like mad, and if they don't, they have to SEEM to achieve.  They have to MAKE ME PROUD, no matter how difficult that is because I'm at the top of my profession.  No matter how easy I have made their lives up until now, they need to look as if they are STILL DEFYING THE GODS AND CLIMBING EVEN HIGHER THAN I DID.

Even if there are no rungs left on that ladder.

Apart from the pending criminal charges, I rather wonder what happens when these kids get into the colleges they chose and then WASH OUT because they can't keep up in class, or have to come up with an answer when someone encourages them to get on the track team (because they got into school using phony track experience) or gymnastics (when in truth they can't walk on a flat surface without wiping out, let alone do a dozen back handsprings).  

Whatever then?

In the family's view, CHAOS INTRUDES.

In my view, ORDER IS RESTORED.

The Legal System Strikes Again!

This is a photo of a pile of sandwiches.

Only in Colorado, mind you.

There was some sort of legal dust-up down there concerning whether or not Colorado taverns were allowed to serve a drink without a nosh, and what kind of nosh you ask?  It had to be a sandwich, apparently.  SOMEBODY JUST MADE THAT RULE UP.  Don't ask me who; I wasn't there.  But there were all these places serving chicken wings. I guess they were known and loved for their chicken wings and when their customers ordered a certain drink they wanted a plate of wings with it.  Not a burger.  Not a bologna and cheese on 12-grain. Just the chicken wings, thank you, and maybe a dipper on the side.  

The answer to this staggeringly difficult problem?

Legally reclassify chicken wings as sandwiches. 

This is good.  Not quite as good as the way the Catholic Church reclassified the noble Capybara as a fish because they couldn't get the locals in the Amazon Basin to stop eating them on Fridays...but still very good. 

Just when you thought the legal field was starting to look dull and stuffy, Colorado saved the day for us all!