Election Returns Update

OK, they finally let slip on the radio today that in the heated State Rep contest between the young, hotheaded Know-Nothing, and the staid, reliable Do-Nothing, in which (let me remind you) NEITHER CANDIDATE APPEARED ON THE BALLOT, they actually had some sort of results:

Do-Nothing won.

(No, I do not know how.)

Says Here...

...that they have new legislation pending in Lansing, Michigan designed to give a shot in the arm to the flagging horse-racing industry.  GET THIS:  If voted in, this new law would allow you to bet on races that happened YEARS AGO. 

Pitcure it:  You place your bet.  A random-horserace-autodial machine then picks out a race that happened WHO KNOWS WHEN, and you find out whether your horse won or not.  Could be a Charlie Nobody horse, or it could be Secretariat.

THIS IS THE GREATEST NEW IDEA TO FLEECE THE PUBLIC OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS SINCE THE INVENTION OF THE ONE-ARMED BANDIT. 

THEY DON'T EVEN NEED LIVE HORSES.

Yes, Virginia, The Hodge and the Podge DID Exist Before Anyone Ever Heard of Greg Hill or Kerry Thornley...

OK, so I'm flipping through this book sent to me by a Sub-Genius operative in the Florida panhandle, and WHAT DO I SEE?

"The brain, he said, is run by Menorgs (short for "mental organizers"), tiny thinking organisms that power all constructive voluntary actions...Unfortunately, every brain is riddled with an opposing army of Disorgs, or "mental disorganizers," who are 'microscopic vermin that infect the cells of the mental system and destroy the mental instruments constructed and operated by the Menorgs.'"

This was quoted from William Lawson's Lawsonomy in Felton & Fowler's Famous Americans You Never Knew Existed, Stein and Day, New York, 1979,  page 238.

Obviously, this author -- painted by Felton and Fowler as being crazier than a bear stuck in a honey tree -- had the wisdom to divide the world up according to Order and Disorder, rather than the MUCH sillier divisions of Good and Evil.  This book came out in the 1930s, by the way.  Lawson's fans appear to have worshipped him as a virtual god, and I can easily see why.  During the Great Depression he advocated for the rejection of the gold standard, to be replaced by a new system of "valueless money with no purchase power."  How can anyone not like THAT? 

Let us now toast the divine balance of the Menorgs and Disorgs, the Eris and the Aneris, the Hodge and the Podge

within each of us. 

Election Day Discordian Moment

OK, there are these two people running for state rep in my area.  One is the incumbent; I've been hearing her name for years.  The other is a young guy who calls the incumbent a stale do-nothing.  HE will jump-start this state with his sheer dynamism. Or so he claims.  The incumbent says the upstart is an inexperienced know-nothing who has no idea what he's getting into.

So for weeks it's been Know-Nothing vs. Do-Nothing wherever you look.

And today in the polling place, what did I see?

NEITHER NAME IS EVEN ON THE BALLOT.

Here We Go Again...

As the candidates hitch up their drawers for the final sprint, there's very little advice I can give you except the old reliable:

VOTE EARLY.  VOTE OFTEN. 

IF YOU DON'T VOTE, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO COMPLAIN.

THIS IS A RIGHT THAT CLIFFIE THE LEMMING GIRL WILL NEVER FORSAKE.

Et Tu, Lance Armstrong? How The Mighty Have Fallen, Cont'd

Is NOBODY trustworthy anymore?  Lance Armstrong on steroids!  Color me scandalized.

He should count himself lucky, compared to what they did to Khadaffy and Dominique Strauss-Khan.  All they did was strip Armstrong's chevrons from his epaulets.  In slightly different cirumstances they might have put his head on a stick.